Carjacks and Mascara Brushes

Okay ladies let's talk. Whose idea was it to make our yearly examine so much fun? Let me tell you, I look forward to it as if it were the Bath and Body works semi-annual sale in the middle of Baghdad. As soon as I leave the doctors office I am counting down the days, hours and minutes until my next one. Woo Hoo!! Party!!!

The day before my examine when the nurse calls to remind me I always do a little happy dance. I love taking the extra time to uhhhhh landscape the night before. Everywhere from the toes up to your boobs has to be in presentable order. Your face could be covered in flesh eating monsters and the doc would never know, but lets just say that your panties left a piece of lint on your cha cha and , yep, that would be inspected and examined like the coroner looking at Anna Nicole's body.

Personally, I have never had a mammogram. I hear it feels comparable to slamming your ta ta in a car door a couple or ten times. Yeah I'm looking forward to that! Instead of the mammogram though I get something very special. I get my boob squished and pushed on like my doc is the angriest Amish woman in the world using her man hands to knead dough that has been frozen for 10 years.

After the kneading is over and I have picked my nipples up off the floor, the fun really starts. Then the doctor spreads your legs so far that you swear that they are going to break off at the hip. Oh and the absolute BEST part is when the doctor says "okay just relax" as she rams a carjack into your vagina and cranks it open enough that she could change the tire of an 18 wheeler in there. Yeah doc you relax while I ram an escalade up your cha cha!!!!!!!

Now as my vision starts to return she inserts what looks like the brush from my mascara into the Grand Canyon size opening she has created. Hmm no wonder I have nightmares of mascara brushes chasing me screaming " We want your cha cha". ANYWAY, she then begins to dig like she has lost King Tuts crown and will be burned at that stake alive if she doesn't find it.

Finally you hear those magical words "Okay all done. You can get dressed now" As you ease your sore naked body off the table and wobble over to put on your clothes you realize, I only have a year to recover from that!!!

Yeah and men think we have it so easy. I say we use the carjack for prostate exams!

I secretly love:
1.) Buying trashy magazines and reading celebrity gossip.
2.) Getting up early on Saturday mornings and reading while I lay on the couch.
3.) Letting people think I am ditzy. (It's pretty funny when they realize I'm not.)
4.) Secrets
5.) Driving
6.) Making lists
7.) Taking things apart just to see how they work.
8.) Being needed.
9.) Washing clothes (I just don't like folding them and putting them away.)
10.) Decorating

I secretly hate:
1.) Putting on make-up
2.) Always being able to stay in touch with people by cell phone.
3.) Having my face touched.
4.) Being in large groups of people even if I know everyone.
5.) Buying clothes
6.) Britney Spears
7.) The thought of giving birth.
8.) Making small talk.
9.) Cooking
10.) Valentine's Day

Putting out the Fire

The past few days I have really struggled with what I wanted to write. My co-worker and co-conspirator, Miss. Runs on Coffee, has taken to threatening me to hopefully induce postings. While, the threat of her singing is quiet possibly one of the most terrifying possibilities ever, it still has not helped with the writers block.

And then I received this text from TRC: BTW I have started sleeping naked.

Umm what? Wow talk about a blog topic just coming from no where.
Not 24 hours after telling Qof R that TRC and I rarely talk anymore he sends me that text. Well, excuse me but is that supposed to make me go all weak in the knees and forget all the crap we have been through. I think not!

Anyway the text conversation continued as follows:
Me: Oh. Okay then.
TRC: I'm just sayin.
Me: You are freakin' sayin that you sleep naked now. What am I supposed to do with that information?
TRC: Just thought you might be interested.
Me: Yeah sure.(Interested in knowing whats gonna happen should your house catch on fire and a fireman has to haul your naked ass out the house in front of the neighbors. Dude you are so going to be the talk of the firemans Christmas party!)
TRC: So what are you wearing?
Me: Substantially more clothing than you my long lost pervert.
TRC: Ha! Ha! Funny! Wanna come over?

And that is when I turned off my phone. He is still up to the same old tricks. Amazing how quickly he could tell me last summer that I was nothing to consider but still frequently thinks I am booty call material. Maybe he, being a hunter, should know that if the call isn't working he should possibly get a new call. Or just put on some clothes.

Sleeping with Dinosaurs

Wanna know something that will scare the hell out of you? Having the power go out at your house and resetting your sound machine from the sound of rain to birds.

I walked in my room last night and heard what sounded like a pterodactyl, yeah I almost pissed my pants.

Random Thoughts

Love. Children. Cancer. Sunburn that hurts like a mofo. Finances. Death. The future. Wondering how some people can live with themselves with the lies they tell and the way they act. Who are my REAL friends? Buffalo chicken pizza tastes like shit. Curious how long it will be before she crashes and burns. She told me she had sex but was it with a man or a woman? When am I going to be able to go back to the gym? Will he ever tell the truth? How can he think of something like that when his wife is dying of cancer? Does she realize that she only thinks of herself and her children? What is going to happen when he dies? What do people really think of me? Is Billy Mays the new pitch man for heaven or hell? Am I going to be able to sleep tonight? I am pretty sure the promises she made are lies.

How to Charm Me #3

Inform me while we are on the phone that the echo I hear is because you are hiding in the bathroom from the kids.

vendor asked me how old I was and if I was married. When I told him 28 and no he was all like what's wrong you better get a move on then I mentally punched him