Thursday, May 20, 2010

A List

In honor of my dear friend, Miss Runs on Coffee's, last few days as a member of the Crusty Cresties (that's what we call our little crew at work) I present to you:

A List of Little Known "Facts" About Miss Runs on Coffee:

  1. She once tasered Chuck Norris. He then pissed his pants causing the Dec 26th 2004 tsunami.
  2. MROC is the co-founder of "Hey, is this shit flammable" and also "Hey, where's the damn fire extinguisher".
  3. She was once jailed for attacking and kidnapping an entire bus of Australian men and one Jasper fireman.
  4. While on her way to buy a pack of cigs she once stopped to help a man change a tire on his Ford. After changing said tire she took his keys away and informed him, "Once you grow a pair and can change your own damn tire then you can have your keys back. And pull your pants up your panties are showin'".
  5. She was co-chairman of "Hey let's TP our boss' office". Then oversaw the clean-up of "OMG, where did this TP come from. This crap stinks".
  6. She once fought a pack of rabid ninjas for a peanut butter pie. The ninjas have never been heard from again.
  7. For several months she accosted her boss by throwing bananas in her yard. The husband of said boss became so distraught and mentally incapacitated he grew what appeared to be Chewbacca on his face.
  8. She once destroyed two whole blocks by setting off a grenade to kill one wasp. The wasp's family was later questioned and would only mumble the word "Hitler".
  9. She once threatened to "cut a man" over a large order of cheese fries. Upon being questioned the man said " She had this look in her eye that said ' I will cut you and eat cheese fries over your cold dead body'." The man has never been heard from again and is believed to be in a witness protection program.
  10. She made me miss her before she was even gone. Cry knowing she was leaving. And smile knowing she is my friend.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Skanks and Bobsled Teams

Okay if you all could indulge me for just a second, I need to have a talk with Kate Gosselin.

Dear Skanky Kate:

It is no secret around here that I am one of your biggest fans. (Please note the sarcasm). This whole Dancing with the STARS thing has really gotten on my nerves. Now I know that most of the "stars" on this show are majorly B list but you! YOU!!!! You aren't even on the list.

Kate, here are a list of things that you are famous for. You tell me if this qualifies as celebrity status:

  1. You gave birth to two bobsled teams or just one baseball team. Either way it makes you famous cause your parts work. Well la ti freakin' da.
  2. You had a backwards mullet, ON PURPOSE! Listen here in the south it's business in the front and party in the back. I don't know what hairdresser you pissed off but party on the side and business on the other side and flock of seagulls in the back is not how anyone should roll. Well, unless they are rolling straight up out the mental ward.
  3. You flip out on your husband, children, dance partner, paparazzi, dog, cousin, uncle, aunt....Sorry this list could take a while so maybe I should just say you go crazy on everyone.
  4. You apparently screwed your bodyguard. Umm A) Why do you have a bodyguard? Is it to protect you from your own children because seriously no one is coming within miles of the F-ullet ( f'd up mullet)? B) He was probably the last man who would want to come within 50 miles of your cha cha and you screwed it up. And word is that now you are chasing the Hof. Seriously Kate? The Hof? He is one drunken, hamburger eating fiasco away from molesting a dog and you want a piece of that?

I sit here and I read back through and think about your life and all I can think is, are you sure you and Britney Spears aren't related? Maybe you should see if you could setup a play date between all the kids. God knows it would be better on them to meet now rather than in some therapist office in a few years.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

When I Grow Up

When I grow up I want to be the type of person who:

1.) Can cook an entire Thanksgiving dinner without breaking a sweat.
2.) Handles all the bad stuff as gracefully as everyone thinks I should.
3.) Finally loves myself.
4.) Is much less familiar with all that happens on TMZ.
5.) Can handle being a fiancee' then wife. Maybe a mother, but don't push it.
6.) Owns a sewing machine and can use it.
7.) Is creative and crafty.
8.) Can make a list like this and doesn't have to come up with BS just to make sure there is an even # on the list because I am just a tad OCD.
9.) Can chew gum and walk at the same time without the assistance of an ambulance.
10.) Has a recipe that all her family and friends just love. You know besides my awesome weed brownies.