Thursday, September 30, 2010

Dust Bunnies, Goblins and Richard Simmons

At work we have a supply closet that sometimes gets a little scary. Scary as in I am sure that one day I will open the door and find goblins or Richard Simmons.

A couple of weeks ago I entered the 'danger zone'. I was in search of....well....I don't remember what I was in search of, but it's safe to say it was either pink highlighters or binder clips as I have an addiction to both.

Now to get into the closet I kinda had to open the door as far as I could (Not far. I think I heard Richard Simmons scream when I hit his vagina with the doorknob.), then stick one leg in, lean the rest of my body in, grab hold of the shelf and leap to the inside. Needless to say, fat girls should never leap.

Once inside I searched the shelves for the items needed, fed the goblins and helped Simmons glue some more sparkles on his panties.

Okay, so once in you would think getting out would be a breeze. Ha! Have you met Miss Graceful here?

So I grab the door preparing for my whole lean with it, rock with it bit . Fat girl propels herself forward as if she is one of the lords a leaping in the 12 Days of Christmas and BAM!

Have you ever seen a fat chick in a skirt, butt end in a mail crate? Trust me it is as horrifying as it sounds.

Two things: 1) Is my butt as wide as a mail crate? Wider. But with that much force coming at her she screamed and widened herself out. 2.) How did I get out? Well, when I went down my cha cha flashed Simmons. It was his first sighting other than his own. He passed out and I used his lifeless body as a step-stool to push myself up and out. Or, you know, grease and a crow bar.

The mail crate? She had lived a happy life. I bet she never expected to die by butt though.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

1985 Bowling For Soup

I have a friend who knows all there is to know about the 80's. She knows the John Hughes trilogy by heart. She had the big hair, short skirts and wild make-up. She once had a plan to seduce the guys of Poison and get chosen to go backstage. She was successful thanks to her padded bra, red press on nails, fishnets and heels. When I think of the 80's I think of the Cupcake Slayer.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is happy with her life now. She has two beautiful girls and a husband that she loves beyond measure. No, she's not still preoccupied with the 80's like the woman in this song but I still can't help but think that she would like to shake her ass on the hood of Whitesnake's car.

So to you Cupcake Slayer:

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Florence+The Machine

I know there have been several people talk about how this performance was just awkward and weird but her performance at the VMA's totally rocked my socks off. The video here is not the VMA performance (you know lawyers, copyrights and total douche bags won't allow it). My advice is if you aren't up for weirdness, just listen to this with your eyes closed. This video is SUPER weird, but in my opinion this chick has an amazing voice.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

If I Die Young

On Mondays I am going to start posting music and videos that I really like at the moment. If you don't like my taste in music just stick around, it will change in a few weeks. I pretty much like EVERYTHING so you are bound to eventually find something you like.

I promise to post no videos of me dancing. It would look a lot like this:

So this is my favorite song right now. I know that it is depressing but there is just something I love about it. Enjoy!.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Romeo and Juliet

He was my Romeo and I was his slightly overweight, Wal-mart brand Juliet. And while one of us was hiding a big deep dark secret, I have no doubt we loved each other. I still do love him actually.

For almost five years I fell deeper and deeper in love with someone I knew I would never have anything 'real' with. The saddest part is I let him do the same, but he had no idea it could never be.

A few days ago, my ipod started playing this song (The song in this clip starts at about the one minute mark):

I bet I played this fifty times that day. It's a song he had sent me a few years ago. I think it means more to me now than it ever did.

Valentine's day last year I stopped playing Juliet. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. When it ended I thought it would be easy to move on, but it wasn't. We promised to be friends but I knew we wouldn't.

It was hot, passionate, powerful, sweet and wonderful while it lasted. While I regret both of our situations, I don't regret loving him.

We still e-mail on occasion. It's just general pleasantries but I know he would have my back in a minute if I needed him and I would do the same for him.

Romeo, never doubt that I really loved/love you. You are a wonderful man that I will never forget. You held me, loved me, listened to me and let me cry on your shoulder. I am grateful to you for so many things.

Love, Your Wal-mart brand Juliet