Friday, July 31, 2009

The Final Straw

It has been weeks since it actually happened but I sent TRC packing. FOR GOOD!!!! I know, I know I have said it before and then months later I am all "OMG wait till you hear what TRC did now". This time it's SO. NOT. HAPPENING!!

There was no major incident that caused the final showdown. It was boredom more than anything. I seriously put no thought into it. One minute Miss Runs on Coffee and I were eating lunch and the next I was texting him to say that I was done.

TRC is a player. A smooth talker that will tell you what you want to hear when you want to hear it. Also, he's an immature dog and he has cooties. (Okay, so maybe he doesn't have cooties but my 10 year old self is pretty pissed at him too.)

I think I really realized how horrible he was the day before my moms funeral. Queen of Randomness and I were in the mall buying my dad a jacket for the funeral when we ran into TRC. We exchanged pleasantries for a bit then as he was about to leave he turns around and says " So we're good right. I've seen you and don't have to come to that funeral home thing tonight right?"

I swear it felt like I stood and stared at him for days. This man who has claimed to be on of my best friends and sometimes more just rendered me speechless with his stupidity. I mean, whatever, just don't show up. I probably would have never noticed that he wasn't there, but WTH to stand there and say that was just....well....rude!

It bothered me but as usual, I kept my mouth shut and for over a year never said a word about it. I don't think Q of R and I even spoke of it.

Finally, on that boring day, over lunch I let him have it. Not just for that but for lying, making promises he never kept and for just being an all around jerk.

The moral of the story: I shouldn't have boring lunches, or you know something like that.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Dollywood Here We Come

"J" wants me to move to TN with him. Yeah, you read that correctly but for full effect go back and read it again. To have my reaction, read it again and then 30 minutes later pick your chin up off the floor as you say WTFH!

Here is a little back story: The main reason "J" and I couldn't (wouldn't on my part) make it work is because he is allergic to work. It makes him sweat and feel all icky. He would find a job and then three weeks later quit because something wasn't going right. He never seemed to realize that the problem might be him.

In the 2 years that I was close to him he went to six different states on the trail of some new fabulous job. At one point I think he had applied for a street paver job in heaven.

I bet knowing all of this, you can guess why he is moving to TN. Thats right, Dolly Parton might need someone to walk around Dollywood with her and help her hold up her boobs.

The last argument we had I told him that he could not contact me again until he had a steady job. A little over a year later and I am the one that contacted him. I think my middle name should be Dumb ass.

Sunday, July 26, 2009


Some of you who have followed me on myspace will recognize some of the posts below. In lieu of writing a lot of new posts I decided to reintroduce some of my old ones. I hope you enjoy!

Carjacks and Mascara Brushes

Okay ladies let's talk. Whose idea was it to make our yearly examine so much fun? Let me tell you, I look forward to it as if it were the Bath and Body works semi-annual sale in the middle of Baghdad. As soon as I leave the doctors office I am counting down the days, hours and minutes until my next one. Woo Hoo!! Party!!!

The day before my examine when the nurse calls to remind me I always do a little happy dance. I love taking the extra time to uhhhhh landscape the night before. Everywhere from the toes up to your boobs has to be in presentable order. Your face could be covered in flesh eating monsters and the doc would never know, but lets just say that your panties left a piece of lint on your cha cha and , yep, that would be inspected and examined like the coroner looking at Anna Nicole's body.

Personally, I have never had a mammogram. I hear it feels comparable to slamming your ta ta in a car door a couple or ten times. Yeah I'm looking forward to that! Instead of the mammogram though I get something very special. I get my boob squished and pushed on like my doc is the angriest Amish woman in the world using her man hands to knead dough that has been frozen for 10 years.

After the kneading is over and I have picked my nipples up off the floor, the fun really starts. Then the doctor spreads your legs so far that you swear that they are going to break off at the hip. Oh and the absolute BEST part is when the doctor says "okay just relax" as she rams a carjack into your vagina and cranks it open enough that she could change the tire of an 18 wheeler in there. Yeah doc you relax while I ram an escalade up your cha cha!!!!!!!

Now as my vision starts to return she inserts what looks like the brush from my mascara into the Grand Canyon size opening she has created. Hmm no wonder I have nightmares of mascara brushes chasing me screaming " We want your cha cha". ANYWAY, she then begins to dig like she has lost King Tuts crown and will be burned at that stake alive if she doesn't find it.

Finally you hear those magical words "Okay all done. You can get dressed now" As you ease your sore naked body off the table and wobble over to put on your clothes you realize, I only have a year to recover from that!!!

Yeah and men think we have it so easy. I say we use the carjack for prostate exams!
I secretly love:
1.) Buying trashy magazines and reading celebrity gossip.
2.) Getting up early on Saturday mornings and reading while I lay on the couch.
3.) Letting people think I am ditzy. (It's pretty funny when they realize I'm not.)
4.) Secrets
5.) Driving
6.) Making lists
7.) Taking things apart just to see how they work.
8.) Being needed.
9.) Washing clothes (I just don't like folding them and putting them away.)
10.) Decorating

I secretly hate:
1.) Putting on make-up
2.) Always being able to stay in touch with people by cell phone.
3.) Having my face touched.
4.) Being in large groups of people even if I know everyone.
5.) Buying clothes
6.) Britney Spears
7.) The thought of giving birth.
8.) Making small talk.
9.) Cooking
10.) Valentine's Day

Putting out the Fire

The past few days I have really struggled with what I wanted to write. My co-worker and co-conspirator, Miss. Runs on Coffee, has taken to threatening me to hopefully induce postings. While, the threat of her singing is quiet possibly one of the most terrifying possibilities ever, it still has not helped with the writers block.

And then I received this text from TRC: BTW I have started sleeping naked.

Umm what? Wow talk about a blog topic just coming from no where.
Not 24 hours after telling Qof R that TRC and I rarely talk anymore he sends me that text. Well, excuse me but is that supposed to make me go all weak in the knees and forget all the crap we have been through. I think not!

Anyway the text conversation continued as follows:
Me: Oh. Okay then.
TRC: I'm just sayin.
Me: You are freakin' sayin that you sleep naked now. What am I supposed to do with that information?
TRC: Just thought you might be interested.
Me: Yeah sure.(Interested in knowing whats gonna happen should your house catch on fire and a fireman has to haul your naked ass out the house in front of the neighbors. Dude you are so going to be the talk of the firemans Christmas party!)
TRC: So what are you wearing?
Me: Substantially more clothing than you my long lost pervert.
TRC: Ha! Ha! Funny! Wanna come over?

And that is when I turned off my phone. He is still up to the same old tricks. Amazing how quickly he could tell me last summer that I was nothing to consider but still frequently thinks I am booty call material. Maybe he, being a hunter, should know that if the call isn't working he should possibly get a new call. Or just put on some clothes.

Sleeping with Dinosaurs

Wanna know something that will scare the hell out of you? Having the power go out at your house and resetting your sound machine from the sound of rain to birds.

I walked in my room last night and heard what sounded like a pterodactyl, yeah I almost pissed my pants.