Sunday, July 26, 2009

Carjacks and Mascara Brushes

Okay ladies let's talk. Whose idea was it to make our yearly examine so much fun? Let me tell you, I look forward to it as if it were the Bath and Body works semi-annual sale in the middle of Baghdad. As soon as I leave the doctors office I am counting down the days, hours and minutes until my next one. Woo Hoo!! Party!!!

The day before my examine when the nurse calls to remind me I always do a little happy dance. I love taking the extra time to uhhhhh landscape the night before. Everywhere from the toes up to your boobs has to be in presentable order. Your face could be covered in flesh eating monsters and the doc would never know, but lets just say that your panties left a piece of lint on your cha cha and , yep, that would be inspected and examined like the coroner looking at Anna Nicole's body.

Personally, I have never had a mammogram. I hear it feels comparable to slamming your ta ta in a car door a couple or ten times. Yeah I'm looking forward to that! Instead of the mammogram though I get something very special. I get my boob squished and pushed on like my doc is the angriest Amish woman in the world using her man hands to knead dough that has been frozen for 10 years.

After the kneading is over and I have picked my nipples up off the floor, the fun really starts. Then the doctor spreads your legs so far that you swear that they are going to break off at the hip. Oh and the absolute BEST part is when the doctor says "okay just relax" as she rams a carjack into your vagina and cranks it open enough that she could change the tire of an 18 wheeler in there. Yeah doc you relax while I ram an escalade up your cha cha!!!!!!!

Now as my vision starts to return she inserts what looks like the brush from my mascara into the Grand Canyon size opening she has created. Hmm no wonder I have nightmares of mascara brushes chasing me screaming " We want your cha cha". ANYWAY, she then begins to dig like she has lost King Tuts crown and will be burned at that stake alive if she doesn't find it.

Finally you hear those magical words "Okay all done. You can get dressed now" As you ease your sore naked body off the table and wobble over to put on your clothes you realize, I only have a year to recover from that!!!

Yeah and men think we have it so easy. I say we use the carjack for prostate exams!

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