Sunday, November 8, 2009

Girl vs. Woman

~I am a girl who plays my music really loud and dances in the car.

~I am a woman who loves to bake.

~I am a girl who dyes Easter eggs then leaves them on my best friend's doorstep and then blames it on the Easter bunny.

~I am a woman who is learning to crochet.

~I am a girl who plays with the makeup in Sephora till I look like a hooker.

~I am a woman who loves her friends and family with all of my heart.

~I am a girl who bites my nails and twists strands of my hair when I am nervous.

~I am a woman who loves to relax with a good book and a bubble bath.

~I am a girl who paints my nails weird colors just because.

~I am a woman who has way to many pairs of shoes.

~I am a girl who has a Nintendo DS and a Wii and loves them.

~I am a woman who doesn't slow down until way after the sun has gone down and everyone else is asleep.

~I am a girl who collects children's books.

~I am a woman who loves art and classical music.

~I am a girl who loves practical jokes.

~I am a woman who never wants to become so grown up that I forget to be a girl sometimes.

Friday, October 9, 2009

The Reason I'm Alone

For those of you who follow me on facebook, this is the blog that I mentioned in my status a few days ago. I am really not sure how long ago I wrote this, but I will say it has probably been a year.

The Reasons I'm Okay Being Alone:

~ Once upon a time I was told I wasn't pretty enough so I avoid dating.

~ My libido doesn't itch much lately. And if it does I can scratch it myself , thank you very much.

~ I have a blackberry. It can keep me company anywhere I might be and if it gets on my nerves there is an off button.

~ I don't like having my heart broken.

~ I think I have passed my shelf date.

~ I don't want a bikini wax.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Halloween Safety

As Halloween approaches I thought that I would take time to list a few safety rules for trick-or-treating. Safety first!

1.) Don't worry with a flashlight. It takes up to much room. You need your hands free to hold the eggs that will be thrown at old women who give out crackers and fruit.

2.) If your child's costume calls for a fake knife don't waste your money. Give them a real one. Who wants to be the parent with a wimpy kid? Be the parent that can say "My kid shanked your kid".

3.) If your child falls down a well use fish line and a paperclip to retrieve their goody bag. No one likes wet candy.

4.) Make sure to check your child's candy for razor blades, meth, weed, pipe, etc. Save these items for your own "treat bag". Momma doesn't share the good stuff.

5.) Do not stick to well lit, well known areas. The darker streets and alleys will provide for more treats as listen in #4.

6.) Once your child is home, ensure he/she knows the term "puking rally". All candy is to be consumed. Momma doesn't like a quitter.

Friday, September 25, 2009

How to charm me: . Draw me a pirate picture in your cute 7 year old writing even though u have no idea who I am.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Way We Deal

As most of you know SAHMx2, Queen of Randomness and I have been friends for years. We are the best of friends and any one of us would fight ten buzz saws for the others. To be as close as we are we are so different in so many ways. But, when it comes down to how we actually handle stress and problems in our lives we are so alike its kinda scary. We handle it the same way: We don't discuss it until we absolutely have to. It's not like the other two don't know something is wrong it's just that we know if we discuss it there will be tears and emotions and really who has time for that in this day and age.

SAHMx2 will usually mention that something is bothering her but then make a light-hearted joke and move on to more important things like cleaning brownie batter out of her daughters hair or scrubbing toilets. You know, the important stuff. Then one day out of the blue she breaks a spoon and BAM!! she's crying about the spoon and we so know it's not really the spoon.

Q of R is a little different. Usually she will tell one of us what is going on but refuses to mention it to the other one. It's like she can't tell both of us in fear that it would make us both lopsided and at least one of us should stay sane at all times. When she does finally decide which one of us she is going to tell she will call crying so hard you can barley understand her, blurt what little details she is going to give you out so quick you have a hard time keeping up and then swear she really is fine and there is no need for any further discussion. The End!

Now to me. Well, the fact that I have stopped this post at least 20 times over the past year at this exact spot says more than my actual words ever could.

I am the one who backs away from every one else when it's all going south. My girls always know when I don't call, text or visit as much; I am not mad just taking time to keep my emotions in check. It's just how I'm wired I guess.

We all three have our quirks. It's not right. It's not wrong. It's just who we are and how we deal. Come Christmas when we have our little get together; we will eat a cheese ball, count our blessings to have one another in our lives and maybe just maybe talk about what is going on. Or you know, eat a little smokey wrapped in bacon, whatever is the easiest.

Friday, July 31, 2009

The Final Straw

It has been weeks since it actually happened but I sent TRC packing. FOR GOOD!!!! I know, I know I have said it before and then months later I am all "OMG wait till you hear what TRC did now". This time it's SO. NOT. HAPPENING!!

There was no major incident that caused the final showdown. It was boredom more than anything. I seriously put no thought into it. One minute Miss Runs on Coffee and I were eating lunch and the next I was texting him to say that I was done.

TRC is a player. A smooth talker that will tell you what you want to hear when you want to hear it. Also, he's an immature dog and he has cooties. (Okay, so maybe he doesn't have cooties but my 10 year old self is pretty pissed at him too.)

I think I really realized how horrible he was the day before my moms funeral. Queen of Randomness and I were in the mall buying my dad a jacket for the funeral when we ran into TRC. We exchanged pleasantries for a bit then as he was about to leave he turns around and says " So we're good right. I've seen you and don't have to come to that funeral home thing tonight right?"

I swear it felt like I stood and stared at him for days. This man who has claimed to be on of my best friends and sometimes more just rendered me speechless with his stupidity. I mean, whatever, just don't show up. I probably would have never noticed that he wasn't there, but WTH to stand there and say that was just....well....rude!

It bothered me but as usual, I kept my mouth shut and for over a year never said a word about it. I don't think Q of R and I even spoke of it.

Finally, on that boring day, over lunch I let him have it. Not just for that but for lying, making promises he never kept and for just being an all around jerk.

The moral of the story: I shouldn't have boring lunches, or you know something like that.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Dollywood Here We Come

"J" wants me to move to TN with him. Yeah, you read that correctly but for full effect go back and read it again. To have my reaction, read it again and then 30 minutes later pick your chin up off the floor as you say WTFH!

Here is a little back story: The main reason "J" and I couldn't (wouldn't on my part) make it work is because he is allergic to work. It makes him sweat and feel all icky. He would find a job and then three weeks later quit because something wasn't going right. He never seemed to realize that the problem might be him.

In the 2 years that I was close to him he went to six different states on the trail of some new fabulous job. At one point I think he had applied for a street paver job in heaven.

I bet knowing all of this, you can guess why he is moving to TN. Thats right, Dolly Parton might need someone to walk around Dollywood with her and help her hold up her boobs.

The last argument we had I told him that he could not contact me again until he had a steady job. A little over a year later and I am the one that contacted him. I think my middle name should be Dumb ass.

Sunday, July 26, 2009


Some of you who have followed me on myspace will recognize some of the posts below. In lieu of writing a lot of new posts I decided to reintroduce some of my old ones. I hope you enjoy!

Carjacks and Mascara Brushes

Okay ladies let's talk. Whose idea was it to make our yearly examine so much fun? Let me tell you, I look forward to it as if it were the Bath and Body works semi-annual sale in the middle of Baghdad. As soon as I leave the doctors office I am counting down the days, hours and minutes until my next one. Woo Hoo!! Party!!!

The day before my examine when the nurse calls to remind me I always do a little happy dance. I love taking the extra time to uhhhhh landscape the night before. Everywhere from the toes up to your boobs has to be in presentable order. Your face could be covered in flesh eating monsters and the doc would never know, but lets just say that your panties left a piece of lint on your cha cha and , yep, that would be inspected and examined like the coroner looking at Anna Nicole's body.

Personally, I have never had a mammogram. I hear it feels comparable to slamming your ta ta in a car door a couple or ten times. Yeah I'm looking forward to that! Instead of the mammogram though I get something very special. I get my boob squished and pushed on like my doc is the angriest Amish woman in the world using her man hands to knead dough that has been frozen for 10 years.

After the kneading is over and I have picked my nipples up off the floor, the fun really starts. Then the doctor spreads your legs so far that you swear that they are going to break off at the hip. Oh and the absolute BEST part is when the doctor says "okay just relax" as she rams a carjack into your vagina and cranks it open enough that she could change the tire of an 18 wheeler in there. Yeah doc you relax while I ram an escalade up your cha cha!!!!!!!

Now as my vision starts to return she inserts what looks like the brush from my mascara into the Grand Canyon size opening she has created. Hmm no wonder I have nightmares of mascara brushes chasing me screaming " We want your cha cha". ANYWAY, she then begins to dig like she has lost King Tuts crown and will be burned at that stake alive if she doesn't find it.

Finally you hear those magical words "Okay all done. You can get dressed now" As you ease your sore naked body off the table and wobble over to put on your clothes you realize, I only have a year to recover from that!!!

Yeah and men think we have it so easy. I say we use the carjack for prostate exams!
I secretly love:
1.) Buying trashy magazines and reading celebrity gossip.
2.) Getting up early on Saturday mornings and reading while I lay on the couch.
3.) Letting people think I am ditzy. (It's pretty funny when they realize I'm not.)
4.) Secrets
5.) Driving
6.) Making lists
7.) Taking things apart just to see how they work.
8.) Being needed.
9.) Washing clothes (I just don't like folding them and putting them away.)
10.) Decorating

I secretly hate:
1.) Putting on make-up
2.) Always being able to stay in touch with people by cell phone.
3.) Having my face touched.
4.) Being in large groups of people even if I know everyone.
5.) Buying clothes
6.) Britney Spears
7.) The thought of giving birth.
8.) Making small talk.
9.) Cooking
10.) Valentine's Day

Putting out the Fire

The past few days I have really struggled with what I wanted to write. My co-worker and co-conspirator, Miss. Runs on Coffee, has taken to threatening me to hopefully induce postings. While, the threat of her singing is quiet possibly one of the most terrifying possibilities ever, it still has not helped with the writers block.

And then I received this text from TRC: BTW I have started sleeping naked.

Umm what? Wow talk about a blog topic just coming from no where.
Not 24 hours after telling Qof R that TRC and I rarely talk anymore he sends me that text. Well, excuse me but is that supposed to make me go all weak in the knees and forget all the crap we have been through. I think not!

Anyway the text conversation continued as follows:
Me: Oh. Okay then.
TRC: I'm just sayin.
Me: You are freakin' sayin that you sleep naked now. What am I supposed to do with that information?
TRC: Just thought you might be interested.
Me: Yeah sure.(Interested in knowing whats gonna happen should your house catch on fire and a fireman has to haul your naked ass out the house in front of the neighbors. Dude you are so going to be the talk of the firemans Christmas party!)
TRC: So what are you wearing?
Me: Substantially more clothing than you my long lost pervert.
TRC: Ha! Ha! Funny! Wanna come over?

And that is when I turned off my phone. He is still up to the same old tricks. Amazing how quickly he could tell me last summer that I was nothing to consider but still frequently thinks I am booty call material. Maybe he, being a hunter, should know that if the call isn't working he should possibly get a new call. Or just put on some clothes.

Sleeping with Dinosaurs

Wanna know something that will scare the hell out of you? Having the power go out at your house and resetting your sound machine from the sound of rain to birds.

I walked in my room last night and heard what sounded like a pterodactyl, yeah I almost pissed my pants.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Random Thoughts

Love. Children. Cancer. Sunburn that hurts like a mofo. Finances. Death. The future. Wondering how some people can live with themselves with the lies they tell and the way they act. Who are my REAL friends? Buffalo chicken pizza tastes like shit. Curious how long it will be before she crashes and burns. She told me she had sex but was it with a man or a woman? When am I going to be able to go back to the gym? Will he ever tell the truth? How can he think of something like that when his wife is dying of cancer? Does she realize that she only thinks of herself and her children? What is going to happen when he dies? What do people really think of me? Is Billy Mays the new pitch man for heaven or hell? Am I going to be able to sleep tonight? I am pretty sure the promises she made are lies.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

How to Charm Me #3

Inform me while we are on the phone that the echo I hear is because you are hiding in the bathroom from the kids.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

vendor asked me how old I was and if I was married. When I told him 28 and no he was all like what's wrong you better get a move on then I mentally punched him

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Burnin' Down the House

A few years ago I was in a semi-relationship with a guy we will call "J". He was sweet, but also had this other personality I called "Scary J". If I made him mad, even if it was something small it was like the Incredible Hulk turning green and ripping his clothes. I would immediately start looking for the nearest nuclear fall-out shelter and hoping it had supplies to last me through winter. No, I was never scared that he would actually hurt me or do me harm in any way but OH. MY. GOD. the rage!!

While "Scary J" wasn't fun it was "Let's-Get-Married-And-Have-Babies-Right-Now J"that eventually made me pack up all the pieces of that relationship and set them on fire with gasoline. Oh, and a blow torch.

After fighting hard to get out of it (even going so far as stretching the truth and telling him I was moving out of state and making him cry) I freakin' e-mailed him a few weeks ago. Yep, I drug him back into my life. Why you ask? Because I am a woman and sometimes we just need to hear somebody, anybody say that they care. And because I'm a woman and sometimes I'm crazy.

Finally, after the longest three days of my life he e-mailed me back. It was short and to the point, nothing really astounding, but the last sentence made me smile more than I have in a long time. "I have missed talking to your mean butt". He gets me.

I have the blow torch on standby just in case.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Ways to Annoy Me #2

Talk in childish voices ALL the time. And whenever you come to our building you feel the need to disrupt everyone and everything. You need extreme attention and please stop seeking it here. I feel the need to body slam you off the back porch on a daily basis.
Also, I promise my blog has not became just ways to annoy/charm me. I will be back with a real blog post soon.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Ways to Annoy Me #1

Whine everyday over and over and over about the same thing. Kill. Me. Now.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Ways to Charm Me #2

Buy me crackwater (SoBe Lifewater) because you happen to notice they have my favorite flavor while you are in the store buying cigs.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Ways to Charm Me #1

Tell me that same stupid 'Three legged dog' joke because you know it makes me smile when I'm feeling down. It's not that the joke is even remotely funny, but it has became "our thing".

Friday, May 15, 2009

Who I Am

Recently, my father was diagnosed with bladder cancer. Having watched a best friend - motherly figure and my mom die from cancer, I kind of expected this diagnosis.

When my mom was diagnosed I was sort of expecting it but at the same time I was still in a bit of shock. This time around even though it's my dad and I am a daddy's girl, things seem much clearer and I feel like I am handling it better.

The one thing that does bother me this time is how we as a family have became a diagnosis. No one calls just to chat, we've heard from family we haven't heard from since mom died and everyone immediately asks how my dad is and how am I "handling" it. It is not that I do not appreciate the thoughts, I really do. The problem is , I am still Tammy. My name isn't Cancer and I still have a life to live and a job to do.

Cancer doesn't make the world stop turning. Yes, it sucks! Yes, it makes things more hectic and you realize anew how precious life is. But at the same time I am still a daughter, aunt, sister and friend. Cancer makes life really shitty, but it doesn't change who you are.

Please, let my family and I be who we are. Don't treat me like I am so fragile I might break at any moment. I am still the person I was before, I just need a little more patience and probably a little more vodka these days.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

In case you haven't noticed, when things get to painful I stop writing. I think it has something to do with actually dealing with (or maybe I should say NOT dealing with) what is going on.

I promise to be back soon, until then just dream about all the fun we will have when I tell you stories of new boys, old boys, lost boys and plans for sharks to eat a certain boy!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

The Mind of a Man

First off, I believe this title is an oxymoron, because men and minds do not go together.

There is a new guy that I have been talking to, let's call him.....Old And Irritating. OAI and I "met" through facebook (yet another reason to hate facebook). He seemed nice and was only looking for someone to talk to. Talking (more like e-mailing) sounded like something I could do. After a few e-mails I, as usual, let my guard down and gave him my digits.

Things were fine for a week or so, until the questions started. "Where are you? Why haven't you answered my text?" Blah blah blah blah blah. I was fairly done at this point, but then he WENT OFF in a voicemail accusing me of being married. So I basically told him that I couldn't do the friend thing anymore because he had become clingy and honestly had started creeping me out. I'm nothing if not blunt! OAI freaks out, calls me an idiot and says that he never wants to speak to me again. Woohoo!!!! Just what I wanted.

This morning, I received a two page e-mail explaining the reasons that he is perfect for me. TWO FREAKIN PAGES!!!!! To end the e-mail he said, and I quote "I will not beg to see or be with anyone, I do not have to do so." Really? REALLY?? Cause hey buddy, this whole e-mail is you begging to be with me. Hell, it was like a whole essay with a thesis and everything.

Not ten minutes ago, I received another e-mail from him saying how perfect he thought I was an how he didn't want me to contact him ever again. Hey genius (btw this fine specimen is an Assistant Principal of a high school) you are the one blowing up my inbox. The last time I sent you a message I called you a creep!

So what did I do? Oh my lovelies you know me so well. Of course I did something. I copied his e-mail with all the reasons we should be together and beside each one in bold red I simply typed, "YOU ARE A FREAK!" I then sent it to him in an e-mail and just to make sure to get my point across, I posted it to his wall on facebook. Yep, I'm that kinda girl!!!!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

10 Things I Have Learned from Women

1.) If you drink milk with oreos, it becomes a healthy snack.

2.) Purple panties make crotchless blue jeans okay to wear to work.

3.) You don't have to be blood related to be family.

4.) Acting like a dumb blond comes in handy sometimes.

5.) True friends will always be in your corner. They may be rolling their eye, knowing that you are making a bad decision, but they are still there for you.

6.) I am strong. With sufficient time, support and chocolate I can survive most anything.

7.) Coffee is one of the main food groups.

8.) Sometimes it is necessary to be a bitch.

9.) Keep your poker face on, and don't show all of your cards.

10.) It's okay to not answer your phone immediately because you are to busy dancing to the ringtone.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


It has been so long since I have written anything "real". Things in my life are about as normal as can be expected for a crazy person, LOL.

I am still as single as the Pope. I still have a man in my life that I would like to be over, but can't. He texts me late at night when he's alone and there is no one better to talk to. I am fairly sure I mean nothing to him, but yet my heart keeps holding on.

I still have a man in my life that I wish I had feelings for, but don't. He texts me during the day and before I fall asleep at night. He is so sweet and I am sure he would treat me like gold, but I still don't have those feelings for him. My inner masochist is a real bitch.

I feel like Goldilocks looking for a man that is "just right" when in fact the chances are higher that I will be eaten by a pack of bears.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

10 Things I Learned From Men

1.) Sometimes you can’t be in a relationship or a friendship. Sometimes you need to walk away.

2.) To operate a bulldozier.

3.) Unexpected kissing can make things very confusing.

4.) To make a caramel pie.

5.) Sometimes "I Love You" is just three words and nothing more.

6.) To shoot a gun.

7.) Little acorns grow into mighty oaks (Thanks Rick I still have my acorn and THIS little acorn is doing the best she can).

8.) I should show off sometimes. I should let people see how capable I am. (Former boss).

9.) To make a potato gun and how to run when the potato gun is a little more powerful than you thought and the police come looking for you.

10.) Don’t trust men.

Against Better Judgement

After crying for a total of 18 of the past 24 hours I lost all good judgment and answered the phone when J called. He was sweet and I was lonely. The kind of lonely where you feel like you are the only person who even exists. The kind of lonely where you pick up the phone just to call anyone who might answer. The kind of lonely where you lay in bed and talk for two hours to the ceiling hoping that somehow God is hearing you. Loneliness so deep and dark that you find yourself reaching across the bed hoping to find a hand to hold or shoulder to cry on, but instead you find nothing.