My Doctor Should Have Been Billy Mays

This morning when I woke up, before my feet even hit the floor, I knew something was wrong. My head felt as heavy as Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife's boobs. My body was as stiff as Anna Nicole Smith's (bad joke I know but I don't care). My nose was running like Billy Mays' after a coke binge. My temperature high as.....ok I have no catchy saying for this but let's just say I was in no shape to go to work.

I spent the morning trying to come up with ways to breathe without sounding like a hippo that couldn't catch its breath. I slept. Slept some more. I took a dose of something fabulous that made me loopy and I slept some more.

By about 2 p.m. I decided a trip to Urgent Care was in my future. I might as well go today rather than miss more work tomorrow going. When I arrived at Urgent Care I realized there would be nothing urgent or caring about my visit. I called my regular doctor's office and holy crap they could see me right then!

I arrived at the doctor's office and within a matter of minutes my name was being called. WOOHOO. DRUGS COME TO MOMMA! A few minutes later the doctor came in and decided he would test me for everything under the sun. Results: flu-negative, bronchitis-negative, bird flu-negative, South American ostrich appendicitis-negative. Hmmmmm.

After all the results he decides to ask a few more questions and delve deeper into my psyche. Until now I thought my psyche was only full of things like cheesy crab, chocolate milk and Dog the Bounty Hunter. Apparently, not so much. Within 15 minutes I was crying. I don't cry in front of people but I have cried in front of this doctor at least 3 times. I consider it my own personal way of making him as uncomfortable as possible.

After a few "mmhmm's" and just as many "I totally understands" we had a diagnosis. A horrible case of "the crud" and....wait for it.....wait for it..... depression. WTC!!!!

Anyway, without going into too many details, I got a shot in the butt (now my butt is depressed too), some awesome cough medicine and a speech about my happiness mattering just as much as anyone elses, oh and apparently a scrip for some happy pills but I prefer to hit up Billy Mays dealer. Mays was freaking happy and JUST FOR $19.95.

Dove Chocolate Gnomes

I have had a rough few weeks. Work drama, friend drama, adventures in online dating (oh yes I did and oh holy crap do I have stories to tell) and the fact that turning 30 is really bugging me; lead me down a rough aisle today. The aisle in Walmart with Dove Chocolate Promises.

When you first approach its like sunshine and rainbows. Suddenly, you hear voices. Sweet, beautiful, cherub voices calling your name. You pick up a bag of the sweet treats. You think it over and realize it's not such a good idea for your waistline. You try to put the bag back. Everything goes black. You wake up in your car with TWO bags. The demonized Dove Chocolate Gnomes strike again! What? Don't believe me? Look it up. I think they live next door to the Underpants Gnomes (give it up for a South Park reference).

When I got home I decided I would limit myself to two of the delicious dark chocolate pieces of heaven. On my fourth one....hey, they are dark chocolate so they are good for my heart, liver or pancreas or something. ANYWAY, on my fourth one I totally had a "the calls are coming from inside the house" moment.

"Learn to say I love you in a different language"

Dude, it was like Gandhi had spoken directly to me. Well, you know if Gandhi was covered in foil and tiny little flakes of chocolate that I lick off. Okay, so maybe its not Gandhi but holy cow!

I can't say 'I love you' in English!! Yes, I say it to my nieces and nephews but that's it! It feels awkward to me. Also, as a side note it's awkward to BE me, but I digress.

I said it in my last relationship but honestly I felt icky and like I needed a shower after I said it. Did I mean it? No. Did I want to mean it? Umm kinda. I don't know.

I say it in emails to friends ( I do mean it). Just saying those words O-to-the-M-to-the-G, I need a vomit bag.

Think the Dove Chocolate Gnomes teach a class on saying 'I love you'?

P.S. This rambling post is brought to you by Decadron and the letters S and H for Sinus Hell.