Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Dove Chocolate Gnomes

I have had a rough few weeks. Work drama, friend drama, adventures in online dating (oh yes I did and oh holy crap do I have stories to tell) and the fact that turning 30 is really bugging me; lead me down a rough aisle today. The aisle in Walmart with Dove Chocolate Promises.

When you first approach its like sunshine and rainbows. Suddenly, you hear voices. Sweet, beautiful, cherub voices calling your name. You pick up a bag of the sweet treats. You think it over and realize it's not such a good idea for your waistline. You try to put the bag back. Everything goes black. You wake up in your car with TWO bags. The demonized Dove Chocolate Gnomes strike again! What? Don't believe me? Look it up. I think they live next door to the Underpants Gnomes (give it up for a South Park reference).

When I got home I decided I would limit myself to two of the delicious dark chocolate pieces of heaven. On my fourth one....hey, they are dark chocolate so they are good for my heart, liver or pancreas or something. ANYWAY, on my fourth one I totally had a "the calls are coming from inside the house" moment.

"Learn to say I love you in a different language"

Dude, it was like Gandhi had spoken directly to me. Well, you know if Gandhi was covered in foil and tiny little flakes of chocolate that I lick off. Okay, so maybe its not Gandhi but holy cow!

I can't say 'I love you' in English!! Yes, I say it to my nieces and nephews but that's it! It feels awkward to me. Also, as a side note it's awkward to BE me, but I digress.

I said it in my last relationship but honestly I felt icky and like I needed a shower after I said it. Did I mean it? No. Did I want to mean it? Umm kinda. I don't know.

I say it in emails to friends ( I do mean it). Just saying those words O-to-the-M-to-the-G, I need a vomit bag.

Think the Dove Chocolate Gnomes teach a class on saying 'I love you'?

P.S. This rambling post is brought to you by Decadron and the letters S and H for Sinus Hell.

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