Thursday, February 18, 2010

Valentine's and Banjo Music

What's your go-to line when approached by someone you have no interest in dating? If you are anything like me it varies according to what the guy looks like. Small to medium build, normal looking guy: "I'm in a relationship". Big but normal looking guy: "I'm a cop". The guy who asked me "TO BE HIS VALENTINE" (yes, those were his words) Saturday: "I'm married to an assassin who works as a ninja on the weekends and he's actually here, he's just being stealthy. Oh, and the last guy that talked to me was never seen or heard from again. Well, unless you count his tooth which my husband used to kill a great white shark in just one blow".

Big 'Un was at LEAST 6'9 and a good 350. Is that a problem? No, I like big guys. The problem was his trucker cap that accentuated the, what appeared to be, blood-stained overalls. His brown (may have actually been white in a former life) t-shirt went with his boots that were covered in what I am hoping was mud. With all of that you would think I would have been distracted from his face, but how do you miss a tear drop tattoo?

Okay lets pause right here so that you can all get a mental picture of what this fine specimen looked like. Nauseous?

Was I out in the fields when I met this man? No. Was I at a cow auction? Nope. I was out eating breakfast with my dad. Luckily, dad had gotten up from the table before Big 'Un decided to make his move.

His move you ask? Oh, why it was one of the best! He writes his number on a napkin, brings it to me and says "You's lookin' for a valentine, Sweetie?" I promise you my mouth fell open and I was silent so long I was certain he thought I was deaf, which would have been fine with me. My genius response, "Uh..umm..uh's against my religion."

As Big 'Un stands there looking like I have just told him to figure out the square root of the number of teeth he has, I quickly gathered my purse and my phone and set the new world record for speed walking. I am almost out the door when I hear Big 'Un talking to the girl in the next booth, "You's lookin for a valentine, Sweetie?"

I give him one thing, he was persistent. Wish I could have said the same thing for his deodorant.

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