My Doctor Should Have Been Billy Mays

This morning when I woke up, before my feet even hit the floor, I knew something was wrong. My head felt as heavy as Dog the Bounty Hunter's wife's boobs. My body was as stiff as Anna Nicole Smith's (bad joke I know but I don't care). My nose was running like Billy Mays' after a coke binge. My temperature high as.....ok I have no catchy saying for this but let's just say I was in no shape to go to work.

I spent the morning trying to come up with ways to breathe without sounding like a hippo that couldn't catch its breath. I slept. Slept some more. I took a dose of something fabulous that made me loopy and I slept some more.

By about 2 p.m. I decided a trip to Urgent Care was in my future. I might as well go today rather than miss more work tomorrow going. When I arrived at Urgent Care I realized there would be nothing urgent or caring about my visit. I called my regular doctor's office and holy crap they could see me right then!

I arrived at the doctor's office and within a matter of minutes my name was being called. WOOHOO. DRUGS COME TO MOMMA! A few minutes later the doctor came in and decided he would test me for everything under the sun. Results: flu-negative, bronchitis-negative, bird flu-negative, South American ostrich appendicitis-negative. Hmmmmm.

After all the results he decides to ask a few more questions and delve deeper into my psyche. Until now I thought my psyche was only full of things like cheesy crab, chocolate milk and Dog the Bounty Hunter. Apparently, not so much. Within 15 minutes I was crying. I don't cry in front of people but I have cried in front of this doctor at least 3 times. I consider it my own personal way of making him as uncomfortable as possible.

After a few "mmhmm's" and just as many "I totally understands" we had a diagnosis. A horrible case of "the crud" and....wait for it.....wait for it..... depression. WTC!!!!

Anyway, without going into too many details, I got a shot in the butt (now my butt is depressed too), some awesome cough medicine and a speech about my happiness mattering just as much as anyone elses, oh and apparently a scrip for some happy pills but I prefer to hit up Billy Mays dealer. Mays was freaking happy and JUST FOR $19.95.

Neon Trees - Animal

This past week I had a boy to totally flip the script on me. He went from being a jerk face, who was interested in nothing but friends with benefits to....well.....I don't know. He is being the sweetest and inviting me to all sort of events that before we would have NEVER gone to together. I promise to have more on this later but for now lets take a look at our Music Monday song.

I have heard this song a million times on commercials for, I think, some cruise line. Every time I heard it I wanted to blow up the television. Saturday, I had just left Walmart when it came on the radio. Right as I was about to turn the station I heard the first line: "Here we go again. I kinda wanna be more than friends". Ummm HELLO!!!!!!! This is exactly what was going on between The Boy and I. We have been going through this for about nine years and at that exact moment I had no idea what he wanted anymore. So here ya go. Enjoy!!!

I Farted on Santa

I realize I am a little late for music Monday, but you guys need to hear this. I despise Christmas music but this is a must hear.

Hinder - Lips of an Angel

I realize that this song was played to it's death a few years back. Every time you turned on the radio there it was again and again. I honestly had let this tune fall way back into the caverns of my mind. Last night I heard it and it brought back so many memories. This song always makes me think of a certain someone. Honestly, lately it doesn't take much to bring up a memory of him.





P.S. Anyone else wanna hold this dude down and wash his hair?

Sharks and Ninja Turtles

I would like to take a moment and share with you what I believe is one of the most awesome conversations I have ever been a part of. Keep in mind The Redheaded Wonder is 4 years old. She calls me Mimi.

Redheaded Wonder: Ok, so it lives in the zoo. It stands on one leg (she draws her leg up as if she were only standing on one, she’s sitting) and it’s pink.

Me: Umm a Ninja Turtle (I’ve had an odd fascination with the Ninja Turtles lately).

RW: Giving me a look like I had just asked her to recite Pi. Umm no. Mom your turn.

This wonderful game continues for awhile with me of course saying all the wrong answers.

RW: Okay Mimi, I’m going to give you an easy one. It lives in the zoo (apparently everything lives in the zoo). It‘s white and has black stripes.

Me: Ummm a rhinoceros.

RW: No Mimi. It starts with a ZZZZZ sound.

Me: Hmmm…..OHH I know a Znake.

RW: Mimi, you should really go back to school.

Me: Okay, I am going to give you one. It lives in the sewer….

RW: before I can even finish my sentence she throws her hands in the air and says….. A SHARK!!!!!!

Me: YES!!!!!!

I am a great educational resource. Ya know, I was going for a Ninja Turtle but she said shark with so much enthusiasm that it couldn’t have been anything else.

Lady Antebellum - Biscuits and Gravy

So this is not an ACTUAL song but its a spoof done by Lady A. I ran across it last night and could NOT stop laughing. Any song that talks about Waffle House hashbrowns has my vote. Enjoy!

Pink-Trouble

Yesterday I decided to broaden my horizons. I wanted to become more culturally diverse by watching a movie that would enlighten me and also make me have deep thoughts regarding my place in this world and bringing me closer to being the person I wanted to be. I sat back and popped Toy Story 3 into the DVD player.

I usually don't watch previews but while looking for the remote I heard this song playing and immediately had to stop to look at the preview. The preview was for the movie Tangled. I think it's something like Rapunzel or something but holy crap there is an animated children's movie with a Pink song!

I had actually forgotten how much I love love love this song. Considering that I have four different people in my life that call me Trouble on a regular basis, maybe I should make this my theme song. Everyone should have their own theme song, right?

Dove Chocolate Gnomes

I have had a rough few weeks. Work drama, friend drama, adventures in online dating (oh yes I did and oh holy crap do I have stories to tell) and the fact that turning 30 is really bugging me; lead me down a rough aisle today. The aisle in Walmart with Dove Chocolate Promises.

When you first approach its like sunshine and rainbows. Suddenly, you hear voices. Sweet, beautiful, cherub voices calling your name. You pick up a bag of the sweet treats. You think it over and realize it's not such a good idea for your waistline. You try to put the bag back. Everything goes black. You wake up in your car with TWO bags. The demonized Dove Chocolate Gnomes strike again! What? Don't believe me? Look it up. I think they live next door to the Underpants Gnomes (give it up for a South Park reference).

When I got home I decided I would limit myself to two of the delicious dark chocolate pieces of heaven. On my fourth one....hey, they are dark chocolate so they are good for my heart, liver or pancreas or something. ANYWAY, on my fourth one I totally had a "the calls are coming from inside the house" moment.

"Learn to say I love you in a different language"

Dude, it was like Gandhi had spoken directly to me. Well, you know if Gandhi was covered in foil and tiny little flakes of chocolate that I lick off. Okay, so maybe its not Gandhi but holy cow!

I can't say 'I love you' in English!! Yes, I say it to my nieces and nephews but that's it! It feels awkward to me. Also, as a side note it's awkward to BE me, but I digress.

I said it in my last relationship but honestly I felt icky and like I needed a shower after I said it. Did I mean it? No. Did I want to mean it? Umm kinda. I don't know.

I say it in emails to friends ( I do mean it). Just saying those words O-to-the-M-to-the-G, I need a vomit bag.

Think the Dove Chocolate Gnomes teach a class on saying 'I love you'?

P.S. This rambling post is brought to you by Decadron and the letters S and H for Sinus Hell.

Halloween Safety Precautions

Every year at this time I like to give a few Halloween safety tips. I feel like it is my duty to make this public service announcement so that I can hopefully help as many children as possible.

1.) Wear all black clothes. It makes hiding in the bushes and amongst trees easier. It will help when shaking down other children for their candy.

2.) Carry an extra bag full of raw eggs. When someone gives you crappy candy aim for their door. Also, if you can leave a few hidden close to their door it will make for a nice surprise in a few days.

3.) Take a few extra costumes. Hit every house at least twice.

4.) If trunk or treating, look for cars with keys in the ignition. Sneak inside car and drive away. You, my friend, have bagged yourself the ultimate treat.

5.) Always make sure that your costume is made of flame retardant material. To test this put your costume on your younger brother or sister and light it up. If it goes up in flames that just means more candy for you and a new costume.

Happy Halloween!

Maroon 5 - Misery

I love love love music videos that are totally not what you expect. This video definitely fits that category! Enjoy!

P.S. Any video that has a woman firing a rocket launcher, well..I'm pro that too.

The Sun Will Come Up Tomorrow, Maybe

Most people think that being single is great. No children to worry about, you can do what you want to do, spend your money on whatever you want to, and everything is sunshine and rainbows.

Sometimes sunshine and rainbows turns into tears and fears and your friends all have children and husbands. You call them on the phone for just a word of encouragement and to talk about the scary stuff but you end up listening to the cries for "mommy" and stories of childhood drama. You end up alone and sobbing, the fears still hidden in the deep caverns of your mind. You find yourself laying in the dark, tears streaming down your face, praying for the dawn.

Paris-Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

All I can really say about this is WOW! I love love love GPN and this is possibly my favorite song of theirs. Plus, this video has some KILLER Jesus hair and 70's awkward mustaches.

Faking It

Today has been a day of magazines, books, nintendo DS and napping. I have returned only the texts and calls necessary (very very few) and have only gotten out of bed to refill my glass of water or sprint to the potty ( I lay there till the last minute possible. My future is in Depends ads I tell ya.).

I ate cold pizza for breakfast and spaghetti-o's for lunch. I know, it's as sad as I feel. Why am I so sad? I don't know. A funk? To many people asking what happened with him? Feeling less than worthless? Either way I'm ready for it to be done.

Tonight I shall go out and eat, drink and be merry with The Tribe. Will I really be merry? Probably not, but I sure as hell am a firm believer in 'fake it till you make it'.

Mrs. Lily White Burns Down the House

I have a friend who is in the process of building a house. Now I have never had any experience in this but it seems to be a fairly stressful process. When all of this first started she was very happy and excited. Now...well....there are days I think a divorce is eminent. There is carpet, cabinets and tile to pick out and good gracious don't even bring up the subject of doors.

Today I saw this video and could not help but think about my friend. Yes, this video is about a relationship falling apart but still I believe some days that Mrs. Lily White would burn this sucker down.

Molting

I love accessories. Anything cute, sparkly or unique has my eye. Yesterday morning I was getting ready for work when I noticed that my sparkly drawer wasn't as full as it should be. Hmmm?


This morning while working I looked down and noticed that it was only 9 A.M. and I had already taken my jewelry off. While I like wearing it, typing with all the bling drives me crazy. Later on I opened my desk drawer and noticed something. I removed pieces of bling from desk until I had this layed out in front of me

I think I have a molting problem. What do you think?

I Run for Life- Melissa Etheridge

As many of you know mine and my family's lives have been greatly touched by cancer. Cancer sucks! There is no better way to say it.

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month and Domestic Violence Awareness month, another thing that I unfortunately know way to much about from a personal perspective.

Today's song is I Run for Life by Melissa Etheridge. I LOVE THIS. When it comes on my ipod I crank it loud and think about all the women AND men effected by not only breast cancer (men can have it too) but all types of cancer. I hope you enjoy this song and also, remember that the American Cancer Society and the Susan G Komen Breast Cancer Foundation are two great groups working to help find a cure. I know there are others out there, but these are the two that I have worked with and really enjoyed.

Dust Bunnies, Goblins and Richard Simmons

At work we have a supply closet that sometimes gets a little scary. Scary as in I am sure that one day I will open the door and find goblins or Richard Simmons.

A couple of weeks ago I entered the 'danger zone'. I was in search of....well....I don't remember what I was in search of, but it's safe to say it was either pink highlighters or binder clips as I have an addiction to both.

Now to get into the closet I kinda had to open the door as far as I could (Not far. I think I heard Richard Simmons scream when I hit his vagina with the doorknob.), then stick one leg in, lean the rest of my body in, grab hold of the shelf and leap to the inside. Needless to say, fat girls should never leap.

Once inside I searched the shelves for the items needed, fed the goblins and helped Simmons glue some more sparkles on his panties.

Okay, so once in you would think getting out would be a breeze. Ha! Have you met Miss Graceful here?

So I grab the door preparing for my whole lean with it, rock with it bit . Fat girl propels herself forward as if she is one of the lords a leaping in the 12 Days of Christmas and BAM!

Have you ever seen a fat chick in a skirt, butt end in a mail crate? Trust me it is as horrifying as it sounds.

Two things: 1) Is my butt as wide as a mail crate? Wider. But with that much force coming at her she screamed and widened herself out. 2.) How did I get out? Well, when I went down my cha cha flashed Simmons. It was his first sighting other than his own. He passed out and I used his lifeless body as a step-stool to push myself up and out. Or, you know, grease and a crow bar.

The mail crate? She had lived a happy life. I bet she never expected to die by butt though.

1985 Bowling For Soup

I have a friend who knows all there is to know about the 80's. She knows the John Hughes trilogy by heart. She had the big hair, short skirts and wild make-up. She once had a plan to seduce the guys of Poison and get chosen to go backstage. She was successful thanks to her padded bra, red press on nails, fishnets and heels. When I think of the 80's I think of the Cupcake Slayer.


I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is happy with her life now. She has two beautiful girls and a husband that she loves beyond measure. No, she's not still preoccupied with the 80's like the woman in this song but I still can't help but think that she would like to shake her ass on the hood of Whitesnake's car.



So to you Cupcake Slayer:

Florence+The Machine

I know there have been several people talk about how this performance was just awkward and weird but her performance at the VMA's totally rocked my socks off. The video here is not the VMA performance (you know lawyers, copyrights and total douche bags won't allow it). My advice is if you aren't up for weirdness, just listen to this with your eyes closed. This video is SUPER weird, but in my opinion this chick has an amazing voice.

If I Die Young

On Mondays I am going to start posting music and videos that I really like at the moment. If you don't like my taste in music just stick around, it will change in a few weeks. I pretty much like EVERYTHING so you are bound to eventually find something you like.

I promise to post no videos of me dancing. It would look a lot like this:





So this is my favorite song right now. I know that it is depressing but there is just something I love about it. Enjoy!.

Romeo and Juliet

He was my Romeo and I was his slightly overweight, Wal-mart brand Juliet. And while one of us was hiding a big deep dark secret, I have no doubt we loved each other. I still do love him actually.

For almost five years I fell deeper and deeper in love with someone I knew I would never have anything 'real' with. The saddest part is I let him do the same, but he had no idea it could never be.

A few days ago, my ipod started playing this song (The song in this clip starts at about the one minute mark):

I bet I played this fifty times that day. It's a song he had sent me a few years ago. I think it means more to me now than it ever did.

Valentine's day last year I stopped playing Juliet. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. When it ended I thought it would be easy to move on, but it wasn't. We promised to be friends but I knew we wouldn't.

It was hot, passionate, powerful, sweet and wonderful while it lasted. While I regret both of our situations, I don't regret loving him.

We still e-mail on occasion. It's just general pleasantries but I know he would have my back in a minute if I needed him and I would do the same for him.

Romeo, never doubt that I really loved/love you. You are a wonderful man that I will never forget. You held me, loved me, listened to me and let me cry on your shoulder. I am grateful to you for so many things.

Love, Your Wal-mart brand Juliet

I'm a Sucker For

Yes, I realize I have done this before but hey everyone should have a list of the little things that make you smile.


1.) Bright pink highlighters.

2.) Dove dark chocolate promises.

3.) Baby giggles. Just make sure you keep those little suckers to your self.

4.) The beach.

5.) Lined notebooks. (I have a little addiction.)

6.) Ice coffee

7.) Cute flip flops.

8.) Art in pretty much any form.

9.) Funky colored nail polish.

10.) Good friends and good laughs.

Thoughts while being Fitted for my Pope Hat

I got married. I smoke pot. I'm pregnant. I'm quitting my job. I'm a lesbian. I'm getting a divorce. I have a terminal illness that no one knows about. I had an affair. I'm filing for bankruptcy. I have a drug problem . I have a child that no one knows about. I hear voices. I tried to kill myself. I had an abortion. I had a condom get lost 'in there'.

My entire life people have told me their secrets. I don't know why. I've never really thought about it until recently. Everyday a new secret. You would think it would only be close friends, but sadly no. Doctor's offices, Walmart, church, waitress' while I'm out to dinner; all places people confess their inner thoughts or secrets to me.

Do I mind? No, not at all. I'm not the type of person that runs and tells other people's business. My only problem is, does anyone know where I can get a portable confession booth?

You Dropped the Bomb on Me, Part II

When last we left our chunky heroine, she had a rather persistent man begging her to come to bed. She was torn between a rock and a hard place (pun intended).

Will she cheat on The Gingerman? Will she pull the covers over her head and swear to be the crazy cat lady forever? Will she go to TRC's house and pull a Lorena Bobbitt?

Let's find out:

Me: And you promise to not let me be late for work?

TRC: I promise. Scout's honor.

Me: ...Well.......I just don't think I should.

TRC: You know it would just be two friends hanging out. Nothing has to happen.

Me: *Silence*

TRC: Well...

Me: No. I just can't.

TRC: Okay. That's cool.

After sending my "goodnight" message, I couldn't get the possibilities out of my head. What if we could have one night and just be two friends hanging out? Can't men and women just be friends? I'm alone, I'm upset and need a friend.

I jump out of bed. I throw on my jeans. Brush my teeth. Grab my keys. In less than ten minutes I am out the door.

Twenty minutes later I am parked across from his house. I can't bring myself to pull in the driveway. We've been up and down so many times in the past. Do I really want to open myself to this kind of yo-yo effect again? And then, like a mallet to my chest, that night so long ago and his words come rushing back.

"You're nothing to consider"

Twenty minutes later I was home. My heart, safe.

Taking Out the Garbage

As I sat down to write I realized that I just have way too much on my mind. So, I am going to dump it all right here. It's going to be short and sweet and I'm not going to elaborate on any one thing unless someone asks. So, buckle your seat belt . Here goes!

I feel totally left out. What are his motives? Does she realize how she treats me? Am I just his crutch? Will I ever be able to finish college? Money. Am I going to be alone forever? Will I ever have the motivation to lose the weight? Will things with us ever go back to at least semi-normal? Am I good enough? Does it matter? Does he care? Is the cancer going to come back? Does what I do matter? Will he ever understand?

You Dropped the Bomb on Me, Baby

I think I have a chip planted in my brain. I believe the receptor on that chip is attached to TRC's computer. I am fairly certain this chip must send him a text or an email when I have forgotten he exists. Screw you Steve Jobs, your futuristic technology and the robot you rode in on.


It started a few weeks ago. Just a "Hey, how are you?" texts and then he would be gone for another 24 to 48 hours. Then last week I got the standard "Hey, you wanna ride over?" After waiting for my reply for about 30 minutes he then says "Well, I guess not." Really, there boy genius? It took you 30 minutes to figure that one out? Hmm, slow would be a compliment.


Anyway, last night after a few unsettling texts with the Gingerman, TRC sends me a text and boy is it a nuclear warhead: "Why don't you come over? I could use the company and I'll set the alarm for in the morning".


Do we have a nuclear fall out shelter in the area? Cause he dropped the bomb on me for sure.


Me: And you promise to not let me be late for work?


TRC: I promise. Scouts honor.

To Be Continued...........

Make Arrangements

Me: I think I have consumption an I'm going to die in a heap of rags all dramatic like.

The Midget: I sincerely do not want you to shuffle off this mortal coil. But I know that if you did, it would totally be the best death EVER.

Me: I intend for there to be PLENTY of weeping and wailing. And maybe string instruments.

The Midget: I will tear my clothes asunder in utter, inconsolable grief.

Me: Awesome. I'll put you in the program. I need someone to gnash their teeth, too. Maybe The Cupcake Slayer? Just make sure to pay her by giving her dibs on all my stuff.

The Midget: Good thinking. Do you want us to serve red, white, or blush?

Me: Whatever goes best with pizza rolls.

Sweet Dreams are Made of These

The universe has had me at a break-neck pace for a few years now. I won't go in to all of the details (most of you already know) but let's just agree I needed time to take a step back and catch my breath.

A few weeks ago, Mr. Boombastick gifted me with Season 1 of Criminal Minds. I don't think he understands that when I said, "wow, thanks!" I meant, "OMG, this is freakin' awesome. Now go away. I'm gonna need some alone time." I really can't help getting all hot-n-bothered over that gorgeous, funny, gun carryin', blacked out SUV drivin' Agent Morgan.

I spent an entire Sunday reclined (getting up only for more Captain Crunch) with the very handsome, dark, sculpted F.B.I agent

I guess we did dodge a bunch of bullets and go running at least twice an episode, but imaginary exercise never counts.

Ordinarily, days in which I do not leave my house make me feel guilty and like I'm unwittingly suffering from borderline personality disorder. But when I have a goal.....say of watching an entire first season, it's not wasted. It's a study in behavioral analysis, damn it. And it's clearly what the baby Jesus meant for his day of rest.

You know, except for the dirty thoughts of Shemar Moore.

A List

In honor of my dear friend, Miss Runs on Coffee's, last few days as a member of the Crusty Cresties (that's what we call our little crew at work) I present to you:

A List of Little Known "Facts" About Miss Runs on Coffee:

1. She once tasered Chuck Norris. He then pissed his pants causing the Dec 26th 2004 tsunami.
   
2. MROC is the co-founder of "Hey, is this shit flammable" and also "Hey, where's the damn fire extinguisher".
   
3. She was once jailed for attacking and kidnapping an entire bus of Australian men and one Jasper fireman.
   
4. While on her way to buy a pack of cigs she once stopped to help a man change a tire on his Ford. After changing said tire she took his keys away and informed him, "Once you grow a pair and can change your own damn tire then you can have your keys back. And pull your pants up your panties are showin'".
   
5. She was co-chairman of "Hey let's TP our boss' office". Then oversaw the clean-up of "OMG, where did this TP come from. This crap stinks".
   
6. She once fought a pack of rabid ninjas for a peanut butter pie. The ninjas have never been heard from again.
   
7. For several months she accosted her boss by throwing bananas in her yard. The husband of said boss became so distraught and mentally incapacitated he grew what appeared to be Chewbacca on his face.
   
8. She once destroyed two whole blocks by setting off a grenade to kill one wasp. The wasp's family was later questioned and would only mumble the word "Hitler".
   
9. She once threatened to "cut a man" over a large order of cheese fries. Upon being questioned the man said " She had this look in her eye that said ' I will cut you and eat cheese fries over your cold dead body'." The man has never been heard from again and is believed to be in a witness protection program.
   
10. She made me miss her before she was even gone. Cry knowing she was leaving. And smile knowing she is my friend.
    

Skanks and Bobsled Teams

Okay if you all could indulge me for just a second, I need to have a talk with Kate Gosselin.


Dear Skanky Kate:

It is no secret around here that I am one of your biggest fans. (Please note the sarcasm). This whole Dancing with the STARS thing has really gotten on my nerves. Now I know that most of the "stars" on this show are majorly B list but you! YOU!!!! You aren't even on the list.

Kate, here are a list of things that you are famous for. You tell me if this qualifies as celebrity status:

1. You gave birth to two bobsled teams or just one baseball team. Either way it makes you famous cause your parts work. Well la ti freakin' da.
2. You had a backwards mullet, ON PURPOSE! Listen here in the south it's business in the front and party in the back. I don't know what hairdresser you pissed off but party on the side and business on the other side and flock of seagulls in the back is not how anyone should roll. Well, unless they are rolling straight up out the mental ward.
3. You flip out on your husband, children, dance partner, paparazzi, dog, cousin, uncle, aunt....Sorry this list could take a while so maybe I should just say you go crazy on everyone.
4. You apparently screwed your bodyguard. Umm A) Why do you have a bodyguard? Is it to protect you from your own children because seriously no one is coming within miles of the F-ullet ( f'd up mullet)? B) He was probably the last man who would want to come within 50 miles of your cha cha and you screwed it up. And word is that now you are chasing the Hof. Seriously Kate? The Hof? He is one drunken, hamburger eating fiasco away from molesting a dog and you want a piece of that?
   
   

I sit here and I read back through and think about your life and all I can think is, are you sure you and Britney Spears aren't related? Maybe you should see if you could setup a play date between all the kids. God knows it would be better on them to meet now rather than in some therapist office in a few years.

When I Grow Up

When I grow up I want to be the type of person who:

1.) Can cook an entire Thanksgiving dinner without breaking a sweat.

2.) Handles all the bad stuff as gracefully as everyone thinks I should.

3.) Finally loves myself.

4.) Is much less familiar with all that happens on TMZ.

5.) Can handle being a fiancee' then wife. Maybe a mother, but don't push it.

6.) Owns a sewing machine and can use it.

7.) Is creative and crafty.

8.) Can make a list like this and doesn't have to come up with BS just to make sure there is an even # on the list because I am just a tad OCD.

9.) Can chew gum and walk at the same time without the assistance of an ambulance.

10.) Has a recipe that all her family and friends just love. You know besides my awesome weed brownies.

This Post Brought to You by the Letter S for Syphilis

Sometimes the conversations at work get a little interesting to say the least.


Exhibit A:
Miss Runs on Coffee: What is a friendly disease?

Me: An STD.

Miss Runs on Coffee: Yeah, I was thinking syphilis.

Me: People tend to be "friendly" while they are getting it.

Mrs. Independent: Can you get it from facebook?

Me: Possibly, but all of myspace is definitely one big STD.


Exhibit B:
Me: Okay here are the bubbles and the balls for the relay bags.

Mrs. Lilly White: (look of horror while trying to hide the fact that she was laughing uncontrollably)

Me: What?!? That's how I roll.

Mrs. Lilly White: (still more uncontrollable laughter)

Me: Okay, so if we run out of balls then we will just have children with no balls.

Mrs. Lilly White: (nothing was really said just more laughter and I am fairly certain she almost peed her pants)

Pull My Finger

As "He Who Has No Name" and I were sitting on my couch.....BTW I always want to spell couch as coach and if I were posting about sitting on my "coach" this would be a totally different site. Tangent end. So we are sitting on my COUCH when he says, "Hey look".

Now I have known this man for about 11 years so my first thought was 'No I will not pull your finger'.

When I look over he is holding his phone up with a picture on it. At first glance I didn't realize who it was. Melissa Etheridge? Chaz Bono? Ellen Degeneres? Ryan Seacrest? Oh, wait that's Rickey Martin. Then I read the title of the article Ricky Martin Announces To Internet He is Gay! Umm....Yahoo! say what?

Seriously, I thought we had established this at least five years ago. It was like if Richard Simmons had hosted a press conference to announce he was coming out of his glittery, spandex filled closet. Or Salt Lake City suddenly announcing there are polygamist living within their kinky borders. Somethings just don't have to be said...again.

The Civil Wars

In lieu of an actual post here is a song from a group that I am IN LOVE with!!!!!!!! If you go back to some of my older posts you can see their video Poison and Wine. Words cannot describe.

29 Things

1. I started this list by writing "28 Things" at the top and then realized "holy crap I'm not 28 anymore".
   
   
2. I would love to open my own business but have only told one other person.
   
   
3. The phrase "mac n' cheese" makes my brain want to explode. Just say macaroni. How much time does it take to say MAC-A-RONI?
   
   
4. The word moist makes me feel icky.
   
   
5. I am fairly certain that I will never get married and that makes me a little sad.
   
   
6. I think I would be a kick ass contestant on big brother.
   
   
7. I can eat tomatoes as long as I don't have to see them. If I see them all bets are off and my stomach may start a revolt.
   
   
8. I once had carolers come to my house and when they were finished singing I said, "Umm...yeah...okay" and shut the door. Apparently, that was not the response they wanted.
   
   
9. I would love to write a book but am sure that it will never happen. Besides, what do I have to say that is so interesting?
   
   
10. When I was little I thought that I was adopted because my brother said that I was.
    
    
11. I cry if I see a funeral procession.
    
    
12. I HATE live CD's. I don't want to hear people screaming things like "I want you now Willie Nelson".
    
    
13. I don't listen to or want Willie Nelson.
    
    
14. I can't watch those commercials for toenail or cat claw clippers. They make me cringe and want to hurl.
    
    
15. I once told a doctor that my testicles were swollen. I meant tonsils. He still asks about it when I see him.
    
    
16. I like frozen coke. I like to put half cherry and half coke. The cherry has to be on the bottom though, cause if I see the cherry it freaks me out.
    
    
17. I will only go in the ocean up to my knees. There are SHARKS in there people!!!!
    
    
18. I get embarrassed very easy.
    
    
19. I once had my panties fall down while I was walking through Winn-Dixie. I was wearing a skirt.
    
    
20. I've never seen Star Wars, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings or pretty much any other popular movie.
    
    
21. I could be an awesome vegetarian, except for the fact I love chicken.
    
    
22. When I am stressed my right eye twitches.
    
    
23. I sometimes have the humor of a 13 year old boy, I'm okay with that.
    
    
24. I fight crime from my office with Mrs. Lilly White and F-Bomb.
    
    
25. I have a cat named Marmalade. I commonly refer to her as Marmalade Pork Chop Wisdom.
    
    
26. Bookstores make me want to take my shoes off. Maybe I feel at home. Maybe I'm just "special".
    
    
27. I have never eaten a girl scout cookie.
    
    
28. Escalators totally freak me out. I do okay going up but coming down is what's bad.
    
    
29. I am a pretty good speller but if someone spells something to me out loud it's seriously like my brain shuts down and I'm like wait "d-r-i-v-e-t-h-r-u....d-r-i..okay drive. T-h-...I don't get it."

Unsaid

Back when I had my blog on MySpace, I wrote a blog that REALLY got things stirred up. I simply took things that I wanted to say to 10 people and wrote it out but never put who it was about. For days I had people guessing but being true to what I believe in I NEVER told what message belonged to who. So, that being said, are you ready for another round? Here we go:

1. Drama Queen! Good gracious you need to slow your role! Everything is the end of the world to you. I'm sorry but crap happens so move along. Also, you are a liar and that craps not cool. Grow up and put on your big girl panties.
   
   
2. I am learning more and more how alike we are. It's awesome! You have changed since we first met but I feel like even you would agree that it's a good thing. You are funny, thought provoking and genuine. You have your own opinions and would face 10 buzz saws to stand up for what you believe in. You Ma'am are the bees' knees.
   
   
3. You are harsh and someone to be handled with caution. I (nor most people I know) really ever know where they stand with you. You are jealous of anyone who might do something better than you. You show that jealousy in anger and immaturity. I really believe you are a good person at heart, just don't stab me in the back.
   
   
4. You. You, I don't even know where to begin. The circumstances are not good. The situation is worse, but somehow you are hanging in there. You have stuck with me through thick and thin. You've been in my life for years now and I never suspected things would lead to where they have. I don't know if it will work out, but I am willing to keep working at it. You keep telling me you love me even though you know I don't believe it. You sir, I hope you stick around.
   
   
5. Whine. Whine. Whine. Nag. Nag. Nag. It's annoying so stop.
   
   
6. You are awesome. I don't think you get told enough just how good of a kid you are. You are smart, athletic and hilarious. I am proud of you, always know that.
   
   
7. Why are you back? Why are you texting me again? No one yanked your chain so please move along with the other strays.
   
   
8. You are ridiculous. You have all of these dreams and aspirations and yet you do nothing about them. You can be a real $itch sometimes. You are fairly capable so how about showing it sometime.
   
   
9. Yes, I think you are an idiot.
   
   
10. You are like an A.D.D. person on speed. I feel like I am trying to corral 20 two year olds when you are around. You make me nervous and stress me out. Chillax or I might be forced to start slipping you meds.
    
    

Valentine's and Banjo Music

What's your go-to line when approached by someone you have no interest in dating? If you are anything like me it varies according to what the guy looks like. Small to medium build, normal looking guy: "I'm in a relationship". Big but normal looking guy: "I'm married....to a cop". The guy who asked me "TO BE HIS VALENTINE" (yes, those were his words) Saturday: "I'm married to an assassin who works as a ninja on the weekends and he's actually here, he's just being stealthy. Oh, and the last guy that talked to me was never seen or heard from again. Well, unless you count his tooth which my husband used to kill a great white shark in just one blow".

Big 'Un was at LEAST 6'9 and a good 350. Is that a problem? No, I like big guys. The problem was his trucker cap that accentuated the, what appeared to be, blood-stained overalls. His brown (may have actually been white in a former life) t-shirt went with his boots that were covered in what I am hoping was mud. With all of that you would think I would have been distracted from his face, but how do you miss a tear drop tattoo?

Okay lets pause right here so that you can all get a mental picture of what this fine specimen looked like. Nauseous?

Was I out in the fields when I met this man? No. Was I at a cow auction? Nope. I was out eating breakfast with my dad. Luckily, dad had gotten up from the table before Big 'Un decided to make his move.

His move you ask? Oh, why it was one of the best! He writes his number on a napkin, brings it to me and says "You's lookin' for a valentine, Sweetie?" I promise you my mouth fell open and I was silent so long I was certain he thought I was deaf, which would have been fine with me. My genius response, "Uh..umm..uh ..it's against my religion."

As Big 'Un stands there looking like I have just told him to figure out the square root of the number of teeth he has, I quickly gathered my purse and my phone and set the new world record for speed walking. I am almost out the door when I hear Big 'Un talking to the girl in the next booth, "You's lookin for a valentine, Sweetie?"

I give him one thing, he was persistent. Wish I could have said the same thing for his deodorant.

Cynicism: The Latest Fashion Accessory

I haven't really had time to blog this week, but I was looking through some of my old MySpace blogs and found this little ditty. It's raw. It's harsh. But it's me. It's the way I felt then and the way I still feel today.

First of all, I have no idea how to put into words exactly what I want to say. Secondly, I can't believe that I am about to post a blog about this.

I know that to many of you I have said things such as, " I don't want to date again. I'm not ready to date again" or my personal favorite "all men are idiots", but the truth is I really do want to try again. Hi there Masochist, I have missed you oh so very much! The problem is that no one wants to date me.

In the past month I have had friends and co-workers who have wanted to set me up. Timidly, I told them they could pass along my e-mail or cell phone number. I have talked to four different guys, three of which I really enjoyed talking to. Then of course comes the "Hey e-mail me a picture" moment that I HATE. So three times I e-mailed my picture. Once, I never heard back from the guy and twice I heard varying versions of " I don't think you are my type."

I should be used to it by now. I grew up dealing with it my entire life. No one wants to be around the girl with the ugly smile.

Yes, I have a weight problem, that one is my fault. The teeth, well god did that. I had no control.

I know most of you are thinking that I should just have it fixed but I can't afford it. Now that I am older it's just going to cost more than if my parents had had it done.

In the society we live today no one cares about how good of a person you are. Today people care about how stick thin you are, the amount of money you have, and the type of car you drive. How cynical have we become?

Mr. Potato Head: The New Generation

Get ready ladies, tonight I have had an epiphany. Tonight I have came up with the best invention EVER. Something that will change the dating scene FOREVER. Build-a-beau.com. (Company name by SAHMx2, cause she totally rocks the juice box).

Tonight while eating pizza and chit chatting I looked up to see SAHMx2's daughter playing a game on the computer. You start out with a blank face and then you get to click and add all of the facial features however you like them. That is when the epiphany hit.

Can you imagine just being able to log on, start with a blank slate and then after a few clicks TADA? Want a man with blue eyes? Click. Want a man with a killer personality but isn't an actual serial killer? Click. Click. Want a man with a big...nose? Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. The possibilities are endless!!

When you are all finished just click print and TADA. He is brand new. Untouched. No baggage. Still has that new man smell!!! Can I get an AMEN??? (and a small business loan)

The New Look

Come on in, sit back and relax a spell. I threw a new coat of paint on the walls and straightened up a bit. I think it's a lot better than the dark and depressing look I had going on before. There are still a few things I am going to do, but for now enjoy the scenary. Thanks guys. Oh and for your entertainment:

WWMPD

Today has been one of "those" days. A day where stupidity has abounded but duct tape for mouths has not. A day where lessons should have been learned, but in fact were not.

As the afternoon has progressed things have gotten a little better. No longer do I feel like my anthem should be WWMPD. (For those who don't know WWMPD stands for What Would Miss Piggy Do? And I think she would be giving out karate-esque chops!) This afternoon I feel like a great improvement has been made. I have went from angry karate chops to angry Pink music while eating brownies. Yep, the future is so bright I gotta wear shades

Comments

Thanks to my friend, The Drug Dealer, you can now leave comments. I had no idea that I had them blocked. Anyway, I went in and solved the problem. You can leave them with your name (you can skip the URL part) or anonymously. Thanks guys!

Amazing Song

Detached Balls and Bikini Waxes

It feels like my world has been turned upside down, shook like a snow globe then peed on by a Great Dane. There have been so many things happen lately. I should have enough posts for a year! Today though, I guess I will just start with the latest.

A few nights ago, when all the bra colors were going around on facebook, things came to a crashing halt in my life. Three words on his FB comments and not the three you want to hear. “ You’re his wife….”. Those words hung like a raging storm cloud in front of me. His wife!

The man who for months now had told me how much he loved me. Had led me back to where I knew I didn’t belong. Led me to feeling love for him all over again. Told me all of the things he knew I would want to hear. We talked about of marriage, children, buying a home. A home that HE said he wanted my father to even be happy with so that he could live with us if he became too sick to live alone.

This man made an idiot out of me. I never, for this exact reason, talk about the men that I date. I don’t want to be THAT girl. The girl who finds out all the hopes she placed in a man are nothing but lies.

It stung. It was like getting a brazillian wax with duct tape.

This man, he knows me. He has been in my life for almost four years. So….To You, "J", you know I will make you have to face me. You know that I am not the type of girl who will just sit back with a box of Kleenex and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. As I write this I’m not only putting it in my blog, but I’ve got wifeys e-mail. She will be getting a copy of this and all of the texts and e-mails between you and I. I am sure the past few weeks of being married to you are about to take an interesting turn for her.

Run and hide mofo. Run and hide. Oh, and here’s hoping that you and your balls stay attached to one another because I really don’t see that happening.

Long Time Comin'

I promise I haven't died. Life just sort of threw me for a loop. It threw me hard. I am gradually trying to get back in to the things I love to do which includes blogging. I promise to have an acutal new post before next week. I would promise sooner but my computer is sickly and with the Great Blizzard of 2010 on the way, I am not sure when it will make it to the doctor. Luvs!